


It's Warm by Your Side

by shireidesu



Series: despite everything [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, F/F, because i want them to be soft and warm like mash potato together, but there's fluff at the end!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-09
Updated: 2019-03-09
Packaged: 2019-11-14 13:06:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shireidesu/pseuds/shireidesu
Summary: By the time Blair wakes, the sun has risen far above the horizon, the world is wide awake, and the warmth has already disappeared from the spot next to her on the bed. Somehow, she thinks as she pushes herself upright, this morning isn’t like the other ones.orBlair learns what it’s like to feel lonely again without the presence of her sun beside her.





	It's Warm by Your Side

**Author's Note:**

> i love my children, and i just want them to be happy ;;

When Blair finally wakes, the sun is already high in the sky. 

 

Her body feels heavy, her neck aches as she sluggishly rolls back onto her side. She’d been sleeping on her stomach, cheek against the fluffy pillow--now she felt the effects of her awkward position. She cracks her eyes open a fraction, bracing herself for the blinding brightness of the morning sunlight. 

 

The curtains of the canopy bed is (thankfully) pulled closed partially, shielding her eyes from most of the light streaming in through the windows. There is faint sweet scent of bread hovering in the air, tickling her nose and stomach. Blair can hear the distant chirping of birds and the sounds of clanging metal, signalling that the world had already woken up long before she did. And the fact that the space beside her is unoccupied means that she really has overslept. The sheets have been neatly arranged already and is cool the touch. This is something she hadn’t seen in a while. 

 

Blair feels exhausted, despite sleeping in for so long. Her limbs feel like they don’t want to respond to her, and her eyelids feel heavy. She dearly wants to return to the comfort of her dreams, and her mind struggles to extract itself from the hazy webs of sleep. The scraps of her dreams that remain are rapidly fading away, but she can still see the golden fields her childhood, a sunny smile beaming down on her, and a warm, gentle voice guiding her somewhere…

 

Blair forces herself upright and shakes away the clouds in her head. She shouldn’t dwell on dreams long gone, after all. Her body protests as she does so, but a few languid stretches afterwards eases the weight off her shoulders. She drags herself to the edge of the bed, yawning widely as she pulls open the curtains.  _ What time is it? _

 

When her eyes finally adjust to the morning light, she spots a platter of bread and honey atop the bedside table. A touch reveals that it is still warm--one of the servants must have placed it there recently, she guesses. But she ignores the food, opting to reach for the stationary underneath it first.

 

_ Good morning, sleepyhead _ , the letter greets her affectionately. It takes Blair some effort to read the fine script.  _ You weren’t awake earlier, but I hope you slept well. Don’t drop any crumbs onto my bed.  _ Unfortunately, Blair had already begun nibbling on a bread slice before she managed to decipher the warning. She glances down on her lap, and quickly sweeps the crumbs off onto the floor. Luckily, none of the honey had fallen on to the blankets.

 

_ If you can’t finish everything, bring it to the kitchens, okay? You know where that is. Don’t get into trouble while I’m gone _ , Blair reads slowly. Her fingers run over the ink at the bottom of the page.  _ E-s-t-e-l-l-e _ , Blair spells out in her mind. She rather likes the way the name looks in the princess’s handwriting. She traces the swirls of her e’s, the elegant curves of her s’s, the subtle tapered ends of her l’s. She flips the card to the other side, but it is blank. 

 

The room feels strangely empty all of the sudden. The wideness begins to make Blair anxious and uncomfortable. She feels the need to run out and escape the oppressive quietness. Abruptly, she gets out of the bed and prepares to leave, dropping the stationary onto the bed. 

 

She’s reminded of her dream again, as she changes out of her sleepwear. The warm sun, the tall grass, that gentle smile--it agitates her. She shakes her head and splashes water onto her face, trying to shake away the tension that begins to build up.  _ I should return the tray _ , she thinks. She needs to keep busy, so that the thoughts don’t return to her head.

 

* * *

 

The head chef apologizes to her when she arrives at the kitchens, silver tray in hand. “Today is a bit of a slow day,” Fabian tells her, scratching his head. “Lil’ Barry’s already finished with the usual jobs, and the Duke of Eastfell offered to provide for the meals later today…” Blair shakes her head and smiles gratefully at the flour-coated man. It’s a good thing that they have less work to do, after all, and he deserved the break from time to time. It was just a slight disappointment having nothing to do, she thinks as she exits the kitchens.

 

Today is a pleasant day for exploring the castles, she notes as she squints up at the bright sky. Any other day, she would have enjoyed the peaceful weather. But today, she can’t seem to rid herself of the restlessness and discontentment. The gentle breezes that normally would soothe her only bring an uncomfortable chill on her skin, and the quiet midday atmosphere making her insides twist.

 

Her hands itch for things to do, and she wants to fill up this emptiness in her chest. But she doesn’t want the meaningless chit-chat that comes with accompanying the inhabitants of the castle either. She settles for wandering the perimeters of the castle to avoid the numerous servants roaming the hallways, climbing up the ledges in search for hidden alcoves and open balconies. 

 

“You really shouldn’t be crawling around like this around the castle,” Gareth reprimands her when she pulls herself up onto a balcony on the third floor. She’s momentarily caught off-guard by the presence of the no-nonsense knight, not expecting to run into him in her mindless exploration of the castle’s exterior. His arms are crossed on his chest, and he looks like he’s about to give her a lecture. She rolls her eyes and sighs. Of all balconies she had to pick, she had to pick the one occupied by the most aggravating person in the castle. 

 

But the fact that the knight is standing guard here means the princess isn’t far away, she knows. She finds her eyes drawn to the windows behind him, but the curtains are draped closed, blocking her view of the inside. Gareth catches her gaze.

 

“Don’t even think about causing a disturbance,” he warns her, to which she returns with an annoyed look. She hadn’t been thinking about doing such a thing. She certainly wasn’t going to barge into a room while the princess was busy with her affairs, even if the temptation was itching at her insides right now. The knight sighs and places his hand on his hip. 

 

“Go find another place to explore,” he says exasperatedly. “They’re doing negotiations with Piedmont and Beaufort right now.” He waves a hand dismissively at her, to which she responds with another glare. But nevertheless, she turns and drops off the edge to the balcony below them.

 

_ Piedmont _ . That’s where the princess’s betrothed is from, she recalls.  _ So the prince is there, too _ , she thinks as she clambers down onto a tiny alcove a fair distance away from the knight’s lookout point. There’s a fair amount of space, and there’s just the right amount of sunlight pooling in, so she decides to settle down in the hollow. When she finds a comfortable position to rest in, Blair lets out a breath she hadn’t realized she had been holding. 

 

It’s here in this isolated cavity that she finally lets herself think.

 

She knows why she’s been feeling bothered all day. It’s the first time in a long while that Blair hasn’t seen the princess in the morning, hasn’t woken up to the annoying but summery voice coaxing her awake. She’s gotten used to the princess’s presence, and without it, everything is unnervingly quiet. Her thoughts wander back into the fleeting memories of her dream.

 

She’s forgotten most of it, but the most vivid part that she can remember is meandering through the wheat fields outside her village, and a person spinning merrily in front of her with a smile glowing brighter than the warm evening sun. A person who hadn’t existed in her childhood days, a person with hair the color of Helios’s wildflowers. 

 

_ I want to see you _ , she thinks, curling up her legs and tucking her head in her arms. Somehow, one way or another, Blair has learned to feel loneliness again in the company of herself.  _ When did this happen _ , she asks herself. She’s gotten used to the annoying chatter and infuriating actions of the royal, and now without it, she feels as though there is just too much space, too much quietness. She misses having Estelle around her, she finally admits to herself, despite all her faults and all the failures her presence brings to the forefront of her mind.

 

She doesn’t like to be lost in her thoughts alone—it feels like being sucked into a dark, murky whirlpool—and she finds herself falling back into them without the presence of the princess. Estelle blazes like the sun. She’s warm and dazzling, and Blair finds herself drawn to her brilliance like a moth to a flame. She brings a luminance to the world that chases away the shadows haunting her, and with her, Blair can forget what it’s like to have blood stain her hands, to not have guilt weigh down her soul.

 

But she has no right to want the lights of the princess’s star. After all, Blair is the dark of the night, the kind that swallows everything whole and tarnishes the world with blackness and cold. She mustn’t forget the sins that she carries, lest she taints that brilliance. These are the kinds of thoughts that consume her as she remains in the alcove, eating away at her mind as she falls into a doze. 

 

* * *

 

 

By the time she returns to consciousness, the sky has already transformed from the bright blue of day into the deep red of dusk. She rubs the sleep out of her eyes, wincing briefly when her back cracks as she moves.  _ Has it already gotten this late? _

 

She really didn’t do anything today except sleep and brood, she thinks wryly as she leaps out of the tiny alcove. Her stomach is growling, complaining of the lack of food she’s gotten today. Briefly, she wonders if the princess will be back for dinner--but immediately she recalls that Fabian mentioned that a duke was providing food for that evening. She swallows down the wave of disappointment that runs through her.  _ I’ll just ask for the leftover bread from this morning _ , she decides as she pulls her vest more snugly around her.

 

Fabian is more than happy to pass her the remaining slices from this morning, even offering to toast them with sugar--a luxury that has her tempted, but she politely declines. Perhaps another time, she tells him. It is Estelle’s favorite way to eat bread, and it’s best to save their limited supplies of sugar for the princess. It would be a waste to use it on stale bread. 

 

With her acquired dinner, she sets off for the gardens to eat her meal in solitude. She might as well find a decent place to settle in, if she doesn’t have the company she desires. She knows the trees there are good place to watching the stars and moon rise from. 

 

It doesn’t take her long to find a good place in the branches to settle into. It’s leagues better here than the alcove she took respite in earlier today, and she feels a bit more at home underneath the night sky.  _ It would be better if I weren’t here though,  _ she thinks as she finishes the last piece off. 

 

She’s dusting the crumbs from her hands when she catches wind of a familiar voice.

 

Blair freezes in place, wondering if she’s imagining things. Is she that desperate and lonely that she’s begun to fantasize hearing her voice? But through the branches, she catches a glimpse of starlight shining through the leaves, and it’s coming from below. Brushing away the branches blocking her vision confirms that she isn’t hearing things. Her heart quickens its pace, and a name rises to the tip of her tongue--

 

The Prince of Piedmont comes into view, trailing behind the princess with a starstruck expression on his face. Blair’s voice is caught in her throat, and she swiftly sinks backwards into the tree’s branches. Her heart increases its pace once more, but this time it’s a painful beat in her chest. Something dark begins to burn in the pit of her stomach. It only intensifies when the sound of her quiet laughter diffuses through the gaps in the leaves, a sound that normally brought a warmth like the morning rays of light. Now it brings nothing but a chill that permeates through her veins, her bones.

 

She does, but she doesn’t know why she feels this way. Regardless, the presence of the princess, which she has been yearning for all day, suddenly makes her hurt more than helps. The radiance that the princess emits scorches her instead of soothes, especially with the glittering prince by her side amplifying the heat in her chest.

 

_ I don’t want to hear this _ , she thinks as she curls up into a ball, squeezing her eyes shut and bringing her hands to her ears. She wants take the opposite direction of them and run far, far away -- but she ca n’t. She’s tra pped, stuck in between the tangled branches of the tree. The words swirling in her mind are rising into a cacophony, threatening to make her go mad. 

 

She tells herself, while she curls deeper into herself in the shadows of the tree, that she doesn’t have a right to want anything more than what they have now. She has nothing that she wants from the princess, and neither does the princess from her.  She repeats the thought in her mind to drown out the tainted thoughts that are returning to her mind, trying to convince herself desperately otherwise. She repeats the thoughts in her mind until the royals leave the moonlit garden, until long after she cannot hear their voices echoing in the night. 

 

* * *

 

 

Blair is still repeating the thought, even as she returns to the princess’s room-- late, late, late at night. Late enough, that the princess has already long returned, waiting in bed with a book in her lap. She looks like she’s already fallen asleep, but when Blair quietly shuts the door, she jerks wide awake and snaps her attention onto her. 

 

“You’re back,” she says softly, closing the book. It’s not relief that she’s hearing in the princess’s voice, Blair tells herself. She doesn’t think of what that sleepy smile makes her feel, and pointedly averts her gaze away from the princess. 

 

“Mm.” She makes a wide circle around the bed, before crashing face-first into the pillows as far away from the princess as possible. If she’s lucky, the princess will assume that she’s tired and let her go to sleep so she can forget all of today. But she’s not. The princess can read her like a book, with or without her mask, and it isn’t a surprise that she notices immediately. 

 

Blair can feel the bed sink next to her as the princess shifts closer to her. She feels a hand run gently through her hair, and Blair feels like crying. The gesture warms her like the afternoon sunshine in spring, melting away the bitter winter that encapsulates her heart. She doesn’t deserve this, not from the person that she’s hurt more times than she can count. But she can’t pull herself away from this warmth. Not when it’s been cold for too long. 

 

“Blair?” Estelle calls her name. Her voice gently prods at her, asking to be let into the curtains surrounding her.  _ It isn’t fair _ , she thinks. Blair can’t keep her away, not when she says her name like that. 

 

“I shouldn’t--” Blair says in the pillow, after a long, long, moment. She turns her face to the side that isn’t facing Estelle and takes a deep breath. “I shouldn’t keep wanting to be with you. It’s not right. I don’t deserve it. But even so…” She closes her eyes. She can hear her heart thudding in her own ears now. “I keep wanting. I keep wanting more and more.” The hand on her head stills. Behind her, she hears Estelle shifting on the bed.  _ She’s listening. _

 

Blair fights against herself internally, wondering if she should say the words she has been wanting to say this whole time. It’s not something Estelle should hear. These are words that are wholly selfish, and she’s not even sure if it will make her feel better if she voices them aloud. 

 

But she’s already said too much, she thinks, as she prepares to dive into the flames head-first. One more can’t hurt her more than she already is. 

 

“I only have the bits of night with you, while he keeps you all through the day,” she says quietly, turning over onto her back. Estelle’s hand is easily dislodged from her hair. “Is it strange that I want both of your nights and days, too?” Her heart is thudding in her chest, and the dull pain that has been present all day long now suddenly feels unbearable. She can’t take back her words anymore. It’s too late. A part of her regrets saying these words aloud, but she stares back at Estelle resolutely, challenging her. The princess stares at her with wide eyes and parted lips, and she catches the sight of red dusting her cheeks in the dim light of the bedside lamp. 

 

And, unexpectedly, her expression morphs into a fond, mischievous smile--one that catches Blair off-guard.

 

“Blair,” Estelle says slowly. Blair suddenly feels nervous, as though she has just stepped into a trap. “Are you jealous?” And with those words, the throbbing pain in her chest abruptly stops and is immediately replaced with a deep embarrassment. She feels the blood rush to her face, and she pushes herself as far away as she can from the other woman. 

 

“I-it’s…!” Blair splutters. “It’s not like that! I’m just--it’s just…!” She can’t seem to find the words to find her way out of this sudden predicament. Estelle bursts into peals of laughter, the sound reverberating in her ears. She can’t face the princess, and rolls over so that she can’t see her burning face. 

 

“Just what?” Estelle repeats, her voice full of mirth. She’s crawled closer to Blair, closing the small distance that Blair had placed in between them. “What is it then, Blair~” She says in a sing-song voice. Blair rolls over so that her face is buried in the bedsheets. She doesn’t know how to respond, because this isn’t the kind of response she’d expected. Of all things,  _ jealousy _ . It cannot possibly be such a thing--but somehow things make much more sense now that Estelle has voiced it aloud.  _ No, no, _ she thinks as Estelle continues to barrage her with teasing words,  _ it cannot possibly such a thing _ . Estelle has easily turned the situation around on its head, and now Blair is left helpless in the palm of her hand.

 

But the laughter that effectively keeps her ears warm washes away the last of the doubt and hurt that has been plaguing her all day long.

 

After unsuccessful attempts to pry Blair back by teasing, Estelle resorts to more direct measures as her laughter dies down (finally!!!). Blair feels cool, soft hands touch her cheeks, nudging her to look at Estelle. Reluctantly, she lets herself turn over, and meets Estelle’s eyes. The princess flops down onto her side, so that they’re face to face. There’s a gentleness in her gaze that makes her heart skip a beat.

 

“I missed you, too,” Estelle says softly. The smile that she gives Blair is as radiant as the dawn, and Blair almost can’t look at it. “Thank you for waiting for me. Though...” She pinches Blair’s cheeks and puffs her own into a pout. “Couldn’t you have come back sooner? You could be a bit happier if you missed me this much!” Blair can’t help the smile that creeps up onto her face at that. 

 

“I’m happy,” she says with all the sincerity that she can muster. Because she is truly glad that Estelle is by her side. Like every other time, Estelle never fails to chase away the terrible thoughts, blow away the dark clouds that hang over her head. Estelle beams.

 

“There we go,” she says, full of giggles. Her hand brushes aside her bangs gently. “So, would you like to sleep, or shall I tell you about my day for a bit longer?” Blair huffs and in a burst of courage, pushes forward to snuggle into Estelle’s chest, the top of her head bumping against Estelle’s chin. 

 

“Your knight wouldn’t let me sneak into your meeting today,” she says, her voice muffled. Estelle’s scent wreaths around her in a comforting embrace, and she sighs in contentment. She wraps her arms around the princess’s waist. 

 

“Oh, did he now?” Estelle says, surprised. “That’s a shame. Gareth should have known that I would have appreciated the chance to shake up the General from time to time.” Blair tightens her embrace.

 

“Tell him that next time,” she says. “So he won’t be able to stop me.” Blair feels Estelle laugh merrily. “Though, I don’t know if who’d want to crash a boring meeting like today’s.”

 

“You would, of course,” Estelle answers cheerfully. She pulled back slightly to poke Blair on the nose affectionately. Blair wrinkled her nose and sniffed. “If I complained enough, you’d crash through the windows and cause such a huge scene, the General would blow out an artery.” Estelle yawned. 

 

“He nearly blew one today, mind you,” she continues sleepily. Her hands begin stroking through Blair’s hair gently. “When I suggested he ‘find a better pastime than picking fights with a woman twenty years his junior in front of all the nobles’, his face turned the darkest purple I’ve ever seen!” Blair shifts so that her head lay on the pillow next to Estelle. She nuzzles Estelle with her nose fondly, and Estelle shuts her eyes closed in bliss.

 

“I can imagine,” she murmurs. She raises a hand to Estelle's cheek and gently brushes away the tears gathering at the corner of her eye with a thumb. “By the way, you’re tired, aren’t you?” Estelle shakes her head, leaning into the touch.

 

“You wanted to me to tell you about my day,” she says stubbornly, “And I’ll tell you about it. Besides…” She opens her eyes sleepily. “I wanted to talk with you more, too. This is the most you’ve ever talked.” Her half-lidded gaze, combined with her glowing smile, fills with Blair with overwhelming affection and warmth. 

 

“Tomorrow,” she says. “Come back earlier tomorrow.” She pressed her forehead against Estelle’s. “And wake me up before you go. Promise?” Estelle pouts. 

 

“I promise,” Estelle sighs, reluctantly closing her eyes. “As long as you'll be waiting.” Blair smiles.

 

“Always.” 

**Author's Note:**

> sorry if it gots too difficult to understand. i wrote this at 5am and edited it after getting 2 hours of sleep ha ha ha


End file.
